Avengers 2 : Age of Boredom

Neither are two scenes from the trailer

This scene not included in actual film. Don’t get hyped

Everyone knows that Marvel has become good at churning out superhero films. Its almost mechanical at this point, like they are coming off an assembly line. When you sit through this latest variation of the same shit you’ve already seen, you’ll notice how similar it is to the main villain of this installment. Although Ultron goes on and on about ‘evolution’, he simply makes bigger and dumber versions of himself to be torn apart and somehow thinks its an improvement. The sad part about this film is although they had the opportunity to really make something memorable and change, they are now becoming weighed down with the dozens of poor decisions that have come before. Avengers 2 is another drone, thinking it has created an unstoppable force but really has just spread itself thin with weak copies.

Everything that is good in this film, you’ve seen before. Cool circle pans that show the whole team engaging an army of identical mooks? Check. Hulk doing hulk shit? Check. Black Widow being angsty about her past but never showing what bad stuff she’s actually done? Check. People taking issue with Tony Stark’s selfishness? Check. A Villain who wants to take over the world for spurious reasons? Check. There is one scene to watch this movie for, its the HulkBuster vs. Hulk fight. Everything else you’ve seen before, just a little slightly less polished. So what happened to this movie? It’s what happened in all the previous movies, or rather what hasn’t happened.

The Marvel Universe has amazing superheroes, who constantly talk so seriously about big threats, that never come to pass. There is not one amazing villain in the entire Marvel Universe. Instead, it is padded with these jobbers who you know won’t make any significant impact. For all the melodrama, the invasion of the first movie was a small local skirmish of a few hundred soldiers, all of which were as easy to defeat as just throw a bomb at them. Seriously, all you had to do was go up into the wormhole and throw a bomb at them. When you think back at the solution to this movie, it’s really fucking dumb. It’s made all the worse, because the threat is Loki’s making, but not really, cause we have to keep hinting at a larger universe, so despite Loki being the best chance at being a major threat, he is neutered. Loki wants earth just cause. The entire genesis of this plot is based on Tony Stark being supposedly scared enough of that invasion to create Ultron, despite the fact that it was very clearly handled by five dudes and a girl, one of which uses a bow & arrow. Tony Stark says at one point “I want to put a suit of armor around the world,” when so far, a kid with a sling shot would probably make a good part of the team.

We keep being lead to believe there is this looming threat of Thanos. Its been like a half decade of hearing about Thanos, and once again, they have never shown him do anything directly villainous. Sure, he’s making some back room deals, but that’s not why we hate Hitler. This is a character who should be in love with death, and we should’ve seen the genocides left in his wake. No, we see him in a chair. Dude has been chillin’ in his space lazy boy with its cute little hoverpod arm rests. Once again, we get a teaser of Thanos saying something menacing. Once again we end up with the actual villain doing fuckshit. At this point, i do not care about Thanos, and i dont believe that these heroes or the world they are protecting is at any risk. They’ve cut out any feeling of dread in these films because they can’t commit to telling a story in one film.

You end up with Ultron, who is created in a corny montage of science dudes doing science stuff. You see a lot of clear computer monitors with cool numbers, like 98% synchronized, then the word FAILURE. You see coffee cups and scattered papers. Then they walk away and Ultron makes himself. In no part in this science fiction film, do they even try to give you any science. Forget that, you don’t even actually see what the scientists did. In two major scenes in the movie, the Scientists walk away before they are done, and the EUREKA! moment happens on its own. Tony Stark and Bruce Banner keep talking about inventing solutions to save the world, but they do not invent one single thing. They basically mixed all the ingredients to make cookies in a bowl, left them in an oven, and when they came back into the kitchen, they had magic cookies. Ultron wants to “save” the world, in robot-speak that means “destroy the world”. Why? Who cares, he drops any pretense of wanting to save the world after like 30 minutes anyway and just skips to destroy the world. They do the usual scene of showing some bad times in global history and BAM! BETTER GET TO GENOCIDING! I JUST WOKE UP AND I HAVE ALL THE WORLDS INFORMATION IN MY HEAD, AND EXIST IN ALL THE WORLDS INFORMATION, BETTER JUST BLOW THIS PLACE UP! Jarvis asks why. Ultron says “SHUTUP BRO! I’M GENOCIDING!” Probably the absolute dumbest shittiest origin of a super villain. They try to do a lot of “Tony Stark would destroy the world to save it,” dialoguing, but its such bullshit since dude has never done one morally dubious decision in any of his movies. He’s never killed the village to save the village, so you can’t be throwing some Mai Lai Massacre shit on this dude’s character and expect it to stick.

Ultron is a failure of a character, who fails because no villain is allowed to be truly villainous, even Thanos cant be truly villainous, but to justify the WORLD’S MIGHTIEST HEROES tag line, you gotta front like they are world threats. But among the Super heroes, you have Avengers that barely can justify their existence, or you wonder why some don’t exist at all. Despite the fact that Don Cheadle and Anthony Mackey have way more chemistry than Jeremy Renner on his best day, they are sidelined for inexplicable reasons. Sike. These reasons are very explicable: Racism. Despite the fact that War Machine and Falcon are both much more useful in a fight against flying drones with energy cannon arms, they got a dude with a bow & arrow hanging around. Despite all of this, the worst most obviously poorly developed character in the whole franchise is tried to be put over by Marvel Studios.

Hawkeye is a terrible character. Whether that is poor writing or wooden acting is up for debate. I haven’t seen Renner in enough films to say he’s unwatchable, but i know he’s had a few leading man vehicles that most people decided to un-watch. So guess what, you’re gonna hang out with Hawkeye on his farm for a half hour, and have his lovely wife tell the audience how he’s the center of the team. Thank you Marvel Studios, for creating an embodiment of why we should care about this character. He now has a wife and kids. Oh for fucks sake, i wish they killed those little brats and his pregnant wife, just so he’d have an origin story where he decides to kill the Avengers. That’d be a dope movie. But no, we just get this ham sandwich shoved down our throats. Black Widow, the more useful useless character, is now puppy-eyed in-love for Bruce Banner, and doesn’t share one line of dialogue with any other female. (Keep in mind, there’s been 6 Marvel films since she was introduced and Fast & Furious franchise has more dope women in it than THE ENTIRE STUDIO in just 3 movies) So although she justifies her existence more capably than Hawkeye, because she is the only female on the team, of course one of the dudes on the team she’s gotta fall in love with. Thats what cold heartless murdering assassins do. What a fucking mess. What a disappointment. So many plot holes. I can’t even stand it. Because i’m so frustrated, here is just a list of stupid shit i kept thinking after i left this movie.

  • Why does Ultron buy all this vibranium for his evil plan, makes at least four versions of himself in the movie, does not make a version of himself out of vibranium, even though he has enough to build a rocket ship out of a city?
  • Why does Ultron want to destroy the world? Is he just trolling? That’d’ve been a better explanation.
  • If Ultron wants to destroy the world, and has access to all the information in the world, why doesn’t he just make his drones into nuclear bombs that go off if injured?
  • Why does Ultron love meteors? Why doesn’t Ultron just build a large giant rod of vibranium and drop it onto a city from orbit. Cheaper, Easier, Harder to deflect, Can’t be destroyed by shooting at it with lasers.
  • Why is their so much time discussing how they can’t turn off the big bad guy device or it’ll blow up, and then they shoot it with lasers and blow it up anyway?
  • Why am I on Hawkeye’s farm?
  • Why doesn’t everyone have Falcon’s wingset? They weren’t implied to be experimental or hard to use.
  • The world’s about to end, but War Machine and Falcon are off doing other things. Thanks bros
  • Why am I on Hawkeye’s farm?
  • Why is Nick Fury in this movie? Where’d he get that helicarrier from?
  • Why is the dude who’s faster than a speeding bullet, get shot twice and surprised another time with a speeding bullet.
  • What are enhanced people? Why can you just get powers by gene-testing in the Marvel Universe now?
  • Why are all the infinity gems just “do whatever the fuck you want” gems? Stuff goes boom.
  • What the fuck is Thanos waiting for?
  • How is Ultron burned off the internet, but couldn’t think to send someone a flash-drive with his program on it?
  • Why didn’t Ultron create any kind of contingency plan in case of being deleted from the Internet. Is that even possible?
  • What the fuck is up with Vision’s cape? Shit is made out of yellow tin foil.
  • Why does an artificial intelligence that has reached the conclusion to destroy the world, grossly misinterpreting the meaning of “Peace”, have a strange sense of humor and humanity and jealousy? Where’d that personality come from? Whats the use of it?
  • Why does Ultron have lips?
  • Why does Ultron even care if humans are fuck ups. You can pull a Dr. Manhattan bro.

ugh.

Just go watch Fast & Furious. Its about cars jumping through skyscrapers. It happens, movie ends. Avengers 2 is always about something happening in the next movie, but its just a carrot dangling in front of a donkey. Its tedious, and the nitpicks i could ignore in earlier installments have snowballed into long boring over-serious cutscenes you wish you could skip. Please don’t make me watch more Hawkeye Home Shopping Network.

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