Godzilla – King of the Trailers

Imagine you went to watch the Avengers, and instead of seeing the Hulk, Thor, Captain America and Iron Man kick ass, you were stuck on the helicarrier watching news-footage over an unknown Shield Agent’s shoulder. This is Godzilla – King of the Trailers.

I love Trailers, so much so that I get quite upset when I’m going to a movie with someone, and we get there late and they say “Don’t worry, we’re just missing the trailers,” like it’s NO BIG DEAL. If I’m really excited to see a movie, I’ll watch the trailers over and over again. In fact, there are some trailers, that I believe stand the test of time, and are works of art on their own. Trailers are these little tiny stories, but they must leave you wanting more. Sometimes a trailer over-delivers, makes a promise that is impossible to keep.

There was Star Trek – Into Darkness:

The promise – We’ve seen cocky Kirk, we’ve even seen victorious Kirk, but everyone thought he didn’t truly earn the captain’s chair. This movie was gonna change all that. You need more than guts and smarts (Bones and Spock), you need heart, and Kirk is the heart of Star Trek. So let’s break Star Trek’s heart with the most famous villain, Kirk’s nemesis – Khan. Brilliant! I want to see that movie! I want to see these characters mature into the best and brightest of our future. We want to believe that only this crew will go, where no person has gone before.

The truth – That whole bit about Kirk deserving the captain’s chair? Resolved in the first 15 min. Spend the rest of the movie fighting Robocop in a big black ship. Khan isn’t so evil, but becomes evil for the last 15 min. to provide a disgusting smorgasbord of nostalgia overload. Everything is reversed though (which supports my theory that this is the mirror-verse)

There was Man of Steel:

The promise – Superman, re-imagined, but still the shining ray of light that elevates us all. Not just through raw power, but through faith in a higher power. We all face difficult moral decisions in our lives, but Superman is the one who will always make the right decision.

The truth – Massacre in Metropolis. Tonight at 11pm on Weekly World News.

And the up and coming, X-Men – Days of Future Past :

The promise – Please forget all the shitty movies we’ve made in this franchise, we’re really trying this time. Professor Xavier pleads, “Logan, I was a very different man. Lead me. Guide me. Be patient with me.” as if he’s speaking to all the betrayed fans of these shitty movies.

My prediction – “I DON’T WANT YOUR SUFFERING! I DON’T WANT YOUR FUTURE!” Yup. The X-Men franchise might as well be talking about itself. Ain’t nobody should believe that there’s more than 20 minutes of anything good in any of those movies, but you’ll always come back for Patrick Stewart, if he says “Please”

Yeah, Nice Try Jean Luc.

But the one Trailer, that rules above them all, that has had myself and others more riled up than a dog with a biscuit on his nose, was the trailer for GODZILLA.

The Promise – The slow build. The ever-present dread. The fear of the unknown. The reveal of a God. A Perfect Trailer. This is a movie that won’t focus on the puny humans, but instead, the audience will be witness to their inevitable extinction. Cloverfield, a film by JJ Abrams, which came out a few years after 9/11, was successful in transmitting the experience of sheer terror of a massive catastrophe. Using the visuals of panicked civilians, covered in dust, with an all too ever-present shaky cam, the audience was always at ground-zero. Where the movie fails, is the monster itself.

Bro, do you even lift?

Cloverfield, the monster, is one of the most pathetic creature-designs in monster-movie history. It’s the reveal in Scooby-Doo, where you discover the scary robot-mummy-ape is actually just a guy named Steve. Steve, the accountant who’s gotten himself into some gambling debts. Cloverfield is revealed to be indestructable. Why? I dunno. It’s a fucking fish, that is pale white and has no visible armor. But Godzilla. My god. Look at this dude –

And here comes the Spoiler Alert. But i’m gonna spoil the spoiler alert, because the truth about Godzilla 2014, is everything you’ve seen in the trailers…that’s it. You want an epic clash of the mega-titans? Good luck, you’ll be forced to watch it on small tv screens, where other characters interact in the foreground, or even worst, you watch a little boy, watch the big fight, and you just hear the news anchor talk about what you should be seeing.

Show, don’t tell, is the MOST IMPORTANT THING FOR A MONSTER MOVIE. You won’t see any monsters through all the god damn smoke, flairs, smog, fog, trees, caves, worried-expressions, and Ken Watanabe-ing. Remember this multi-legged dead beast thing?

Warning – This is not in the Movie

What you get, are two nearly identical monsters, with nearly identical fighting styles, who conveniently make all the lights go out when they are around. Each time, a cool boss battle is about to occur, you cut to some humans feeling sad about some other humans. Godzilla 2014 is a feature-length movie trailer. There is not one major fight scene that you actually see the beginning, middle and end. You see a bite here, a growl there, but it’s like watching a boxing match with a girlfriend who keeps insisting “Lets just check out what’s happening on Gilmore Girls for a second!” and then you miss the knockout punch. The next day, you feign excitement when everyone is like ‘MY GOD, HE BROKE HIM IN HALF” And you are stuck trying to find clips of it on youtube. But it’s not the same, it’ll never be the same. I’m sure people will say they LOVED IT. I’m sure it’ll be the same people that inserted those miraculous non-existent evacuation scenes into Man of Steel. There are big monsters in Godzilla, there is big destruction in Godzilla, but there is not much Godzilla in Godzilla. I hope you like hearing about a flying bat named Muto a lot. That’s what you’re gonna watch.

Or not watch. Remember how everyone hated how dark Pacific Rim was?

Final Verdict – Godzilla was filmed in a dark room, from across the street, watching a married couple having a drunk fist fight. And the director has ADD.

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