Jesus is not a Zombie – Jesus is more like a Time Lord

Peter Paul Reubens

I have many things that irritate me, but today, is a special day called Easter. I love Easter, cause I love baskets full of fake grass and eating candy. But i haaaaate when people call it Zombie Jesus Day. Imagine if you will, if they played a Batman movie once a year, and everyone called it “Happy Clark Kent Day.” I always think, if you’re gonna poke fun at something, or be ironic, then you should at least have a passing familiarity with it. You don’t got to go and read the Bible, but Jesus — at no point — is ever undead. The Dude came back to life.

Luke 24:13-31 – 

 Now that same day two of them were going to a village called Emmaus, about seven miles from Jerusalem. 14 They were talking with each other about everything that had happened. 15 As they talked and discussed these things with each other, Jesus himself came up and walked along with them; 16 but they were kept from recognizing him.”

Calling Jesus a Zombie would be like calling Doctor Who a zombie. Doctor Who is a time lord, and although he appears to us as a man, he is much more like a God. When he dies, he is always resurrected, and although he appears different each time, he is still recognized as “the Doctor” by those who know him. And when Jesus came back to life, he looked different to his disciples too at first, until they chilled with him for a bit and were like “DAAAYUM, DAT WAS JESUS?!”

30 When he was at the table with them, he took bread, gave thanks, broke it and began to give it to them. 31 Then their eyes were opened and they recognized him, and he disappeared from their sight

Just like the final episode of David Tennant as the Doctor.

Jesus ’bout to git crucified

Jesus saying Bye Bye

Classic Jesus with New Hotness Jesus

He always takes a companion, and those companions always believe in the Doctor 100% and even if they die for him, believe that their lives were much more enriched for having met the Doctor, than their empty pointless small lives before. The show has gone on for so many years, that the Doctor is feared, loved, and practically worshiped through out the universe. When mankind is enslaved by ultimate evil, it’s the belief in the Doctor that brings the Doctor back to power, so he can beat up the Master (his forever frenemy –Just like Jesus hangs out with the Devil in the desert).

Anyway. Zombies are undead. This is usually depicted in cinema as a corpse that is still rotting, but somehow “reanimated” (NOT RESURRECTED) and only barely functioning.

Not Resurrected

Other zombies have been still alive, but their brain function has been so thoroughly fucked up cause of a virus or whatnot, that all they wanna do is attack you. Also, NOT RESURRECTED. Even the historical zombie from Haitian folklore was a person who through a mix of poisons and drugs was transformed into a mindless slave. So there is not one description of a zombie that would be appropriate to describe Jesus Christ’s resurrection. He died, he came back to life, and then his living body (not a ghost, nor an undead body) rose into the skies. Hey, it might sound weird or goofy, but that’s the story.

When you call Jesus a zombie, you aren’t getting Jesus or zombies correct, and I’m a fan of both, so I must inform you that you’re just being incorrect. If you wanna go along with the current cultural zeitgeist, say Happy Time Lord Day or some shit. Now go out and have a Happy Clark Kent Day or whatever Spiderman’s secret identity is.


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