I am unhappy and I feel numb and desensitized lately, and I even thought about suicide for about 5 minutes. What shocked me was that I felt indifferent to dying and living equally. How can I get my emotions back?
Dear Peter Pan’s Shadow,
Every once in awhile we go through these dark days, and some people have more of the dark days than others. The shitty thing about being depressed, is it’s like trying to make a sand castle on the edge of the sea. The waves keep on crashing around you, til you just sit there and feel that indescribable sinking feeling.
Everyone always wants to feel better, but it’s hard to really figure out how. I can just say “Pick yourself up and keep moving,” but that never sounds like a solution when you feel stuck. Nonetheless, i think we have a natural automatic way of dealing with depression, when things get so bad, sometimes your mind just disconnects. Call it dissociation, feeling numb, not giving a fuck, blegh or whatevz, everyone’s had that feeling where you just feel grey. It’s your mind’s way of shielding itself, putting a limit on your pain, and letting you continue.
In a way, it’s a good thing, because if you can recognize that you’re just not caring for too long, then that recognition alone is a moment of caring. Caring about not caring, caring that you thought about suicide, feeling shocked by indifference, these are all healthy reactions, even if you’re dealing with very unhealthy thoughts.
Your emotions will come back, when you want them back. When you want to feel better, you’ll have to let yourself feel bad first. Grieving, loneliness, anger are all useful, but you must direct them towards a purpose, or they turn inward and rot the core.
But this, above all, is something i want to stress. If ANYONE is ever feeling so terrible, they are thinking about suicide, make sure you do one thing right after. Call someone. Call anyone. Call a hotline, I know they are out there, but call your friends and family too. No one needs to give up, no one needs to fall victim to depression and other related diseases, and believe me, things always get better.
Depressed person says “No it won’t. Things just keep getting worse.” I agree, things would get a lot worse without you around 😦